Sex Therapist & Couples’ Counselor: Jessa Zimmerman
Jessa Zimmerman is a certified sex therapist and couples’ counselor. She specializes in helping couples who have a good relationship but who are avoiding sex because it’s become stressful, negative, disappointing, or pressured. She educates, coaches, and supports people as they go through her 4 pillar experiential process that allows them real world practice in changing their relationship and their sex life, guiding them to become easily intimate.
She is the author of Sex Without Stress, the host of the Better Sex Podcast, the creator of the Intimacy With Ease Method and is a regularly featured expert in the media, including Refinery29, Business Insider, Mind Body Green, and Marriage.com.
Here she answers the Mama Sex Six:
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?
How to still be a sexual person while being a mom to the little ones. The roles are so different, the demands are so high, the needs are so pervasive. It’s easy to step into parenting role and completely neglect yourself and your partner. It’s a challenge to shift gears and be present for sex without your brain being totally scanning for any sound or need from the kids.
What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?
I struggled with this exact thing in my marriage. I prioritized the kids and their demands at the cost of connecting with myself or my husband. We struggled with the transition to parenting, too, so there was more conflict between us. I just thought I was broken because I didn’t want sex, and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know there was anything I could do. We ended up divorcing, and as a result, I went to school to become a therapist. I knew I wanted to work with couples from the beginning. I was determined to learn what makes a successful relationship. My parents were happily married for 52 years, and yet all four of us kids got divorced. So clearly, living with a happy couple wasn’t enough to equip me. Then, early in that training, a sex therapist was teaching. She said she considered her sex therapy work to be mostly grief and loss work. That hit me in the gut; I had a visceral reaction. I was back in the those times of pretending to be asleep when he’d come in. Those times I’d lie awake at 4 am with guilt and shame and dread. The heartache of the disconnection we experienced, and the end of our marriage. I knew then that I would be a sex therapist, helping other people overcome the normal and common struggles that otherwise could end a great relationship.
In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?
Changes in libido. Our sexual desire changes from something we feel spontaneously to something we need to cultivate and prioritize. It’s what I call “reactive desire” – where desire doesn’t kick in until we end up aroused. And that doesn’t happen unless we start, we do something to create a chance to end up interested in sex. This is a normal phenomena anyway, but it’s more likely the longer we are with the same partner, the older we get, the more tired we are, and the more stress we have in our lives (parenting!). But if you don’t understand this, you just think you’re broken or that you just don’t have desire anymore. Then you can add on time and energy as obstacles to even making this a priority.
What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?
Motherhood is hard work. It’s all consuming. It’s important. It should be honored. And it also creates legitimate obstacles for women to stay connected to their sexuality and their partners. Compassion would go a long way. Support and sharing the burden would help. Normalizing the struggles helps, too. But there also needs to a voice of hope here. Don’t just give up on your sexuality until the kids leave home. Sex in a relationship is the thing that sets an intimate partnership apart from other relationships; it matters. And sexual pleasure and self-care are good for us, too.
What piece of sex advice would you give mothers? Was there something you wish someone had told you?
I wish someone had reminded me that the best gift I could give my kids was a great relationship with my partner. I put the kids first (or so I thought), thinking my husband could wait. I didn’t want the “neediness” of one more person. But the needs for intimate connection are valid. I wish I’d known to prioritize that because it would have ultimately been best for all of us, kids included.
Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?
@Mombrain.therapist is one of my favorites.
To learn more and connect with Jessa:
IG @intimacywithease
FB @intimacywithease
YouTube youtube.com/jessazimmerman
Offer: Free Masterclass: How to Want Sex Again so it never feels like a chore: https://www.intimacywithease.com/masterclass
